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Thread: Xia Foley

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    Week 328 Xia Foley

    Name: Xia Foley

    Contact Info: Skype- Demonic_kitty666

    Age: 19

    Physical Stature:
    Xia.jpg
    She stands at an average height of 5’7” and weighs 130 lbs. She is very athletically built, like that of a martial artist. Her hair is dark red with a long braided ponytail that stops at her lower back and her eyes are hazel. She has one distinct scar across the bridge of her nose. She has two different appearances a public one and a mission one. In her public appearance she has a variety of looks depending on how she feels that day. She can go looking like a punk rock star with everything torn to looking like an everyday girl with light makeup and her hair pulled into buns or pigtails. Her mission clothes consist of toe-bladed boots, a long and open coat, shorts, small shirt, and light metal shoulder pads. Sometimes she likes to wear weights around her wrists and ankles to give her more of a challenge.

    Persona:
    Xia loves dueling with others and loves to be challenged in both physical and mental battles. Although she prefers to do physical challenges she enjoys expanding her mind. She also enjoys fighting and learning while she fights to become stronger. When she fights she is always giving her all unless ordered otherwise. Her weapon of choice is her fists and legs. She is one that will fight till she passes out; never giving up until a winner is obvious. Xia is kind to those she first meet, if they are rude to her she is rude back and if they are friendly to her she is friendly back.

    She is never outwardly aggressive to others unless she thinks they deserve it. Xia has never been one for romance but she is still a woman and has feelings even if she doesn’t really show it. Unless ordered to otherwise Xia will never kill a person. She will beat them down but never strike the final blow.

    Biography:
    Her parents had a one night fling which resulted in Xia being conceived. Her mother, however, fell ill while she was pregnant with her and died while giving birth. The father took responsibility and took her in, naming her after her mother. Her Irish father was in the American military so while growing up she was very well disciplined. When she was young she was always watching Kung-Fu movies and documentaries about the many types of martial arts and decided then she wanted to learn it. Her father allowed her to be trained as he thought it would harden her and that someday she will join the military. Because they were stationed in China she grew up learning Kempo.

    Every four years, however, her dad had to be stationed in another country resulting in her moving a lot growing up. With each move she made less and less friends at school and seemed to get into a lot of unnecessary fights, which her father would punish her for. By the age of 16 she only fought those that were willing, trying to get stronger. She would always lose fights, sometimes she would win, and some had ended in draws, but she would never give up and always pushed forward to strengthen herself.

    At the age of 18 she went to sign up for the military but realized that it wasn’t the type of thing to suit her. She felt there was more of a challenge out in the world that the military couldn’t stand up to so she said her good-byes and apologies to her disappointed father and set off on her own. For a year she traveled about in Japan until she was recruited into Cerberus after an agent watched her take on three thugs. The agent saw the spiritual potential she possessed and assured her that Cerberus will give her what she wanted.

    Organization: Cerberus

    Stats:
    Reiatsu: 1,000
    Resonance: 0/500.
    Combat: 500
    Agility: 300
    Fortitude: 200

    Sample Chapter:
    The Way of the Fist

    The bright sun had begun it’s descent to its resting place over the large city of Tokyo. In one of the many parks sat Xia on one of the benches under the shade of a tall tree. With her arms resting on the back of the bench she sat listening to her music through the ear buds, her eyes closed, lost in her world of music. Before she knew it, it grew dark and the park became vacant except for a few night joggers. The red head opened her hazel eyes after feeling a small chill and noticed that it had gotten dark. After looking around she decided it was about time to go home. She then stood up and headed off to the direction of her apartment.

    Along the way she admired the starry night sky and smiled. She had been in Japan for almost a year now and learned enough Japanese to be able to get by. She wasn't sure what she was looking for in Tokyo but it seemed like a good enough place to find the challenges she wanted. So far she had only dueled a few people; apparently not everyone wants to challenge a girl, which ticked Xia off. Despite what they said she just believes they were too scared to face her in fear of being beaten in front of their peers. Though it is hard for Xia to challenge herself in the way she wants without having to go up to random people and asking for duels, that’s not really a normal thing to do.

    As Xia pondered what to do next she took a shortcut through a back street. She walked through under the dim street lights and then heard a struggle up ahead. As she got closer she noticed a small group of thugs with about three members, one of them was holding a woman, her mouth covered so she couldn't scream. Xia frowned as her fists tightened, “Hey!” she shouted, unable to hold back her anger, “Leave that woman alone or I’ll kick your asses!” she threatened with a snarl and took out one of her ear buds.

    The men looked over to Xia only to begin laughing at the sight before them. The man holding the woman looked over to the biggest guy in the group, “Ken, look at this chick. She thinks she can take all of us on” he laughed
    .
    “We should oblige Kyo, besides, one bitch will only tire out more easily with the three of us” Ken said with a crack of his knuckles and neck.

    The comment only made Xia more furious. “Let her go I said!” she repeated as she moved closer in confidence that she could take them on.

    The unnamed one stepped forward with a large grin on his face. “I’ll take care of her, we don’t want to hurt her too much” he said sheepishly.

    “Do what you must, Goro” Ken said with a sigh as he crossed his arms.

    Xia didn't hesitate as she reared her arm as far back as she could before sending forth her first fast and hard. The thug didn't even have time to react before her first sent him into the ground, unconscious. The other two thugs froze from what they witnessed, Kyo’s grip on the woman loosened and the woman wiggled free, running for her life.

    After the two shook away the shock they turned to her and charged in unison. “How dare you!” the smaller man roared as he sent a fist towards her face. She dodged the blow and grabbed the man’s arm and with a slight turn away she used his momentum to throw him over her shoulder and onto the hard concrete. With her back turned the bigger man goes to grab her by the neck, she foresaw his intention and ducked to dodge his grapple. In the same motion she spun around and landed a hard blow to the side of his knee, which then gave out and he fell to the ground.

    “Maybe next time you will listen to me,” she sneered as she cracked her knuckles.

    The man, with pain on his face, looked up. “I will remember this bitch. When boss hears about this we will-“

    “Yeah, yeah, yeah...” she interrupted with a wave of her hand, “I look forward to kicking your boss’ ass just like I did to you three.” She grinned at the man before walking away. “The name’s Xia Foley, tell that to all your friends and come find me anytime any of you guys want to get beaten down again,” she added with a chuckle and turned off down another street.

    She continued down the street and saw a familiar figure ahead under a street light next to a strange hooded man. That’s the woman from before… did she get kidnapped again? Geez… She thought as she approached the pair. “Do I need to kick your ass too?” Xia asked rhetorically as she lifted up her fists, ready for a fight.

    The hooded man chuckled, “no need for another fight,” he assured her and put his arm around the black haired woman, “this is my sister and she tells me you saved her.”

    Xia lowered her fists but kept her guard up, “she shouldn't be walking around alone at this time of night,” she said softly, looking to the hooded man, “and I don't want a reward or anything, beating up those thugs was good enough.”

    “So I saw… Xia” the man said as the woman then walked towards a nearby house, “I have a proposition for you.”

    Xia cocked her head; she didn't remember anyone else being there, “go on…”

    “I can sense something in you that you've yet to unlock… something strong and mysterious,” he began slowly, sensing her confusion, “You love to fight do you not?”

    Xia nodded, “it’s my goal to become stronger.”

    The man let out a small grin, “there is an organization that would be very interested in your special… talent. We will be able to help you reach that goal. All you have to do is follow some orders, do some special missions, and you get all the challenges you want.”

    Xia pondered his words for a few moments. Although he never said what the organization did she sure will learn their motives if she were to join, she did seem a bit curious. She was also promised a challenge which was very ideal to her. The man stretched his hand towards her and without hesitation she took his hand with a smile, “sure, why not? As long as I reach my goal I’m happy,” she told the man with a large grin, “I accept your offer.”

    [WC: 1,123]
    Last edited by DragonKaos; 05-05-2014 at 04:12 PM.

  2. #2
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    Hello there, DragonKaos. I will be looking over your application.

    The first part of your application, the physical, persona and biography are all good.

    The sample chapter is really good. It has good description, especially during the action parts. There's some back and forth. It was fast-paced and interesting throughout.

    My main problem is that you're dialogue punctuation is completely off. I'll point out a few examples here, though pretty much every sentence is incorrect.

    Quote Originally Posted by You
    “Hey!” She shouted, unable to keep back her anger. “Leave that woman alone or I’ll kick your asses!” She threatened with a snarl and took out one of her ear buds.
    This should be:
    “Hey!” she shouted, unable to keep back her anger. “Leave that woman alone or I’ll kick your asses!” she threatened with a snarl and took out one of her ear buds.

    The she shouted or she threatened part is actually part of the same sentence, so even though the spoken dialogue ends in an exclamation point, the sentence has not ended yet. The 'she said' is a part of the same sentence, so it is not capitalized.


    Quote Originally Posted by You
    The man holding the woman looked over to the biggest guy in the group, “Ken, look at this chick. She thinks she can take all of us on” he laughed.
    This should be:
    The man holding the woman looked over to the biggest guy in the group. “Ken, look at this chick. She thinks she can take all of us on.He laughed.

    What you have there is 3 separate sentences. As such, each one ends in a period and the next part of the sentence begins with a capital. This is the case because none of your two ddescriptive sentences describe how the dialogue is being said. They either happen before or after it.


    Quote Originally Posted by You
    “We should oblige Kyo, besides, one bitch will only tire out more easily with the three of us” Ken said with a crack of his knuckles and neck.
    “We should oblige Kyo, besides, one bitch will only tire out more easily with the three of us,” Ken said with a crack of his knuckles and neck.

    The end of the spoken dialogue always has a punctuation whether it is a period, comma, question mark or exclamation point. In this case, it is a comma because the following descriptive portion is part of the same sentence.

    You should check here http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/pu...-dialogue.html for a much more concise explanation of things.

    Post here when you have looked over your chapter and made the changes. The other parts of the application are really well done.
    ~Halcyon Days Application Staff~


    Read my fantasy story! Get it from Amazon or Smashwords


  3. #3
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    Ah, thank you! ^u^

    I went through and made the changes. I hope I did them right. I did see other things that were wrong when going through it so I fixed those as well.

  4. #4
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    It's better. There's still some iffy parts, but I think future writing will help with that as long as you keep the punctuation rules in mind.

    Just going to point out one thing. If the spoken dialogue is a sentence in itself, it will start with a capital, such as:

    He said, "How are you?"

    The main time a spoken dialogue will not start with a capital is if you interject in the middle of a sentence. For example:

    "It's possible," he said, "but I'm not sure."

    In that case, removing the he said and putting the two parts together yields the sentence of: It's possible, but I'm not sure.

    Anyway, just keep it in mind when writing future things. You may go post in the Final Drafts.

    If your post doesn't show up, don't worry. I'll still be able to see it.
    ~Halcyon Days Application Staff~


    Read my fantasy story! Get it from Amazon or Smashwords


  5. #5
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    Thank you ^u^ I will be sure to do so. If I'm still having troubles or questions i'll ask.

  6. #6
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    Hooray, your application is APPROVED

    You should now:

    1) Request to join the HD Permission group. On the top of the forums, there is a Settings. Then on the side, go down to My Settings, My Account, Permission Groups. Once there, request to join Halcyon Days.

    2) Post your application as your profile in the Arcana of the Advent Human.

    3) Post your stats in the current week's thread in the Personnel Stat Records. Follow the other people's formatting if you're unsure how it should look.

    4) Post your writing sample in the Writing section of Halcyon Days. You can either post it this week or sometime soon. Posting next week can help maximize the time you have since your three weeks of newbie bonus (explained here, towards the bottom, along with other bonuses) starts when you post your first writing (within two weeks of being accepted otherwise the bonus is forfeited). Remember to keep all chapter writing to a single thread for each week.

    Follow this format when titling your threads: [C] Week 328: Insert Title Here

    Each writing week ends at 11:59pm EST (-5 GMT) Saturday night.
    ~Halcyon Days Application Staff~


    Read my fantasy story! Get it from Amazon or Smashwords


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    Mkay! ^u^ I have done them~

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