Because Brown: Improbable Weapons Part 1


You know what I just don’t seem to understand? What is with anime, manga and video games not ever using traditional weapons at weapons? Instead, most creators decide to take the most mundane objects and decide to turn them into instruments of war. On the rare occasion that they do decide to use a legitimate weapon, they decide to push the limits of a weapon to an improbable state.

But, this does beg a question. What if? What would we need to do to take these items and transform them into actual, useful weapons?


#1 Children’s Playing Cards

To start this, let’s look at one of the most used ‘weapons’ in popular culture: playing cards. No, we’re not talking about specially made steel cards, or cards with razor blades attached to it, we’re talking about your run of the mill playing cards.

A particularly ridiculous use of trading cards was shown in everyone’s favorite show about motorcycling duelists, Yu-Gi-Oh 5Ds. Other than the fact that the cards hold the power of immortal gods and demons, for all intents and purposes they can be torn apart easily.


No I don’t care that it has 3000 Attack. You would have to be ridiculous swag to throw these.

However, in the magical land of card games, these cards were much stronger, even able to pierce through a reinforced helmet. You know, the helmets specifically created to protect the user’s head. Many common police/motorcycle helmets are made of reinforced polycarbonate shells capable of withstanding the impact of crashes, and in the case of riot helmets even bricks.


Swag level achieved

Now you may be saying, but those are blunt forces! Even then, the amount of force that would need to be balanced on the edges of the cards are too high to be sustained against edges of a card. For a card to do such a feat such as piercing through buildings and even granite. A common way to drill through granite currently is through a diamond tipped tools. I don’t care how good you are at throwing cards, you’re not getting through this stuff.

#2 Clarinets

Yes, clarinets. I suppose for some haters of the woodwind instrument, it could be legally classified as a weapon. However, in an actual battle scenario, it’s still a musical instrument. My main problem with clarinets is less the fact that it is an instrument roughly 4% of the population can play correctly, but what said instrument can do.

In the manga series Katekyo Hitman Reborn, one of the minor supporting characters uses this reed weapon as a legitimate battle strategy. Never-mind that this series has an extremely high rate of ridiculous weapon per square person (covering things such as handcuffs, food, yo-yo’s and forks), the Nunchaku Clarinet takes the cake for most ridiculous.


Benny Goodman is rolling in his grave

One of the prominent abilities of the clarinet is Burning Vibrato. The clarinet is capable of producing sound-waves capable causing substances which come in contact with the weapons to boil.

Every substance has a specific frequency in which it resonates. At this point of acoustic resonance the object absorbs more energy from the wave than at any other frequency. You can see this in real life by people breaking glass through their voice or sound systems. However, that’s simply breaking.


Look at that posture. That’s how you play clarinet.

For water to boil, you would need to produce a sound wave with the frequency similar to its natural frequency. For water, this value is already in the microwave region. Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t know of any clarinet able to produce sound waves strong enough to make my Easy-Mac.

This is also simply water, to reach the point where it is able to melt things such as granite and wood, you would have the frequencies necessary are enormous and impossible to recreate in the strength needed by a simple reed.

#3 Roses

Everyone loves Tuxdeos. Everyone loves Masks. Therefore Everyone loves Tuxedo Mask, right? Wrong. Everyone’s favorite -notthatsecret- secret identity in the popular Sailor Moon series had quite an interesting weapon to say the least. Roses. Yes, roses. Those nice smelling flowers that you can never actually grow yourself. However, these are more than regular roses. These are magic roses with the capability to fly as well as arrows, lodge themselves into concrete and pierce bone.

In order to lodge themselves into concrete, the stem of these roses must be something really special. Normal stems of plants are made from complex structures of vascular tissue in plants. They are usually porous, allowing for easy exchange of water and other nutrients from the soil. However, what they aren’t, is made out of reinforced steel and with diamond tips.


Cue dramatic falling petals

For the roses in question, they were usually thrown with enough force to easily lodge into objects. That would mean that the entirety of the force to pierce would be centralized on the tip of the stem. In most plants, the entirety of the stem would crumble and bend. The tissue in the stem has quite a bit of capability to bend and fold, so a the force would instead be spread over a period of time, decreasing the force applied on the ground.


Epitome of manliness in Sailor Moon. GJ Takeuchi. GJ.

Not only that, roses are terrible aerodynamically. They do not have any sort of rigid structure for easy throwing. Not only that, the wavy petals of the rose are a nightmare for fluids and are the very definition of drag force. For essentially a normal such as Tuxedo Mask, he must have some extended training in genetics to make these magic plants.

One comment to Because Brown: Improbable Weapons Part 1

  • Several Zombies  says:

    You must maintain proper posture when kicking ass with a clarinet.

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